I Want To Get Off This Merry-Go-Round

There’s nothing more annoying than someone comparing mania to being able to be on drugs legally and organically, and the problem, ironically, isn’t that they are wrong, in everyone’s case. The problem is that, like with drugs, there such a thing as feeling “too good.” You will lose your damned mind. People, quite simply, aren’t meant to peek behind the curtain and feel like a god. We are not gods, and so we must always, be grounded. If a god must pass by our way, we must pray that we only view its backside.

As for myself if I had to choose, I’d rather be mildly to moderately depressed, chronically, than manic. Other bipolar people’s opinions would differ. Maybe, this is due to the fact I more used to being depressed, and that’s a fair statement to make, but I would have to say I am in much more control of myself when I am depressed than when I am manic.

That being said, mania has its advantages. I have more energy. I need less sleep. I get more done. I’m more organized. I partake in more goal organized behavior. That being said, it has a lot of disadvantages. I don’t know when to quit. I can’t physically sleep, even when I need it. I think I know what I’m doing when I don’t. I think I’m being rational, when I’m not. I do dangerous things. It’s all quite a mess really.

So like I told my therapist, if there is any way I could back to my normal depressed self, my chronic existential crises, and my general disdain for life itself, please help me out with that. Feeling balanced, is always the dream, of course, but if that is too lofty of goal, I would certainly be willing to make a compromise. This merry-go-round is the worst carny ride ever.


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