Riding the Manic Lightning

I recently was released from my second hospitalization in the last two months. I feel much more stable. At the very least, my hallucinations and mania are somewhat under control, and I am no longer delusional, which was a problem my inpatient psychiatrist had to break  to me. My low income retail job decided to have my back and let me both keep job and not count my absences for the hospital stay. I can’t say enough about how I appreciate them. Nevertheless, sitting ideally by “managing,” isn’t something I’m good at doing.

For better or worse, I will be starting my second college program in January. I have bachelor’s in mathematics already. I intend on keeping my part-time job and learning to play violin. Perhaps, I am biting off more than I can chew, but I always do. I, quite literally, don’t know how else to be. I aim high, and if and when I fall, I still have some goals left to work on.

I’m not depressed, and I’m not reaching full mania. Nevertheless, for days at time, I can think of nothing to quell my energy levels besides running through the snow naked. It’s not as bad as it was, but it is extremely irritating. My head feels like it is going to explode. I have to try not get irritated. I had as needed medications for this in the hospital, and they gave me a small supply of them for at home. They did not give me a whole month’s supply. It doesn’t look like my outpatient psychiatrist is going to be willing to prescribe them.  I’ve been dealing with mental health problems my whole life. I’m growing impatient. I’m truly not depressed, but at what point does a rough patch switch to the label of just rough life?

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One thought on “Riding the Manic Lightning”

  1. I often wonder what my true baseline is. Am I essentially adventurous and creative and giving, hindered by baggage and mental health crap, or am I essentially reluctant, cynical, melancholy, anxious, and occasionally open to moments of spontaneity and contentment. And then I wonder if it matters; maybe all those things are equally true of me.

    I’m sorry about the hospitalization and ongoing tiring effort. Glad your job is supportive.

    Liked by 1 person

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