My Compulsion

As the age-old interview question goes, “What gets you up in the morning ?” I have to internally scream, whenever this one is asked. The truth of the matter is that I’m not entirely sure. I’ve been through a whole gamut of “traumas” in addition to suffering from mental illness, and I just keep going. Recently, my therapist brought up the point that I was probably in the 90th percentile for resilience. Presumably, I should feel some semblance of pride. I don’t. The truth is I don’t always know why I keep fighting. I find myself repeatedly getting knocked down only to get back up again. All along, I think I have things, finally, in place. Nevertheless, the cycle repeats over and over and over again. Getting back up, sometimes, is more of a compulsion than a true strength.I’m not entirely sure why. Still, a couple of obvious reasons come to mind.

And, it’s an odd compulsion. It’s not a compulsion that I expect for others to notice. It is something I have to do for me. Part of it, I’m sure is, essentially, giving the middle finger to everyone who counted me out previously. As unhealthy as it might be, I feel a rage for people who tell me that couldn’t expect to work or finish college. I get irritated with people the idea that people expect less from me just because of what I “have” or what I’ve been through. Now, I don’t generally have to worry about people like this in my life too much anymore. It’s about proving the idea wrong for myself.

Now, the rest of my reasoning is a little more peculiar. I don’t, in fact, have as much will to live as others, but if I’m going to live, then I’m going to do it on my own terms. I have one life, and I might as well try to use it to accomplish achieving a normal life, until I run out of time.

If a person is going to have a compulsion, being resilient, is probably a healthier one to have. At the same time, I worry that I don’t when to give up, especially, considering I’ve been hitting a rough patch lately. Oh well, off to pull up on those bootstraps.


I had to put my Adult Pants on Today

Three months ago, I had finally started my first entry level job in my new career. It was also my first “real adult job” sense going on disability. Unfortunately, my I got this job at possibly the worst timing. I had my first mania episode almost around the same time I started my job, which did not was a really terrible mix. I ended up looking completely incompetent, and then I ended up in the psych unit. I could have technically fought for my job via the Americans with Disabilities Act, but given that my reputation was already gone, and I wasn’t sure I could get any of my doctors to give me permission to go back to work in the near future anyways. I decided to bow out gracefully. So, I called my boss, and let him know, I would meet with over this.

Which brings us to today, I went to my work with my resignation later and my other security items I had in my possession that needed returning. He read the letter said it was very good, and he thanked me very much for how thoughtful and professional the letter was. He said, usually, people can’t be rehired with such short notice, but that he would try to see, if there was any exception he could add to my file due to the fact it was impossible for me to give notice any sooner. Especially considering, I had done everything else right and followed all the protocols and had no disciplinary issues. He asked me about my future plans, and said that my career ideas made a lot of sense, and he told me how that the company usually had those kinds of jobs available.

Overall despite this being quite the humbling experience, I’m glad that all parties were able to leave on good terms, and that my did recognize that I wasn’t an incompetent idiot, after all. Plus additionally, there’s still hope at that company in the future again. Only time will tell.