Inpatient Experiences and Nurses

I feel for nurses who work at psychiatric hospitals. I really do. It takes a special calling to be able to fulfill that type of nursing role. Sure, there’s less blood and guts, but the work is often thankless. Many times, the patients don’t want to be there themselves, and they tend to take their anger out on the nurses. This could be a verbal altercation or a physical altercation. As with all nursing jobs, the hours are bad, and the pay isn’t that great. There are many reasons why there is burn out among nurses on psych units, but that doesn’t excuse some behavior.

During my last stint, for example, I was intake room, and I could over hear the nurses gossiping about me from their station. They said, “The little psycho is back.” Yes, I had been there before, and yes, I was psychotic, that’s why I was there the time before. They said more, but I will leave those parts out.

The issue, however, is that this tainted my whole healing process at this hospital. I, basically, said what I needed to get home as soon as possible. I wanted no dealings with anyone there. I had lost trust in the staff, and I was extremely embarrassed.

Nevertheless, not all the nurses were like those nurses, who were there when I came to the hospital. When the hospital was discharging me, they couldn’t setup an appointment with my psychiatrist. They told me to call him, when I got home. To make a long story short, I had no medicine, and the hospital psychiatrist said I needed to get the scripts from my psychiatrist. Nurse D, went out of her way and got the inpatient doctor to prescribe partial scripts and called me to pick them up.

So, what’s the moral of the story? Thank goodness for good nurses! Also, if your burned out, consider a career change, especially if you are working in a psych unit. You could be doing a lot of unintended harm.

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My Compulsion

As the age-old interview question goes, “What gets you up in the morning ?” I have to internally scream, whenever this one is asked. The truth of the matter is that I’m not entirely sure. I’ve been through a whole gamut of “traumas” in addition to suffering from mental illness, and I just keep going. Recently, my therapist brought up the point that I was probably in the 90th percentile for resilience. Presumably, I should feel some semblance of pride. I don’t. The truth is I don’t always know why I keep fighting. I find myself repeatedly getting knocked down only to get back up again. All along, I think I have things, finally, in place. Nevertheless, the cycle repeats over and over and over again. Getting back up, sometimes, is more of a compulsion than a true strength.I’m not entirely sure why. Still, a couple of obvious reasons come to mind.

And, it’s an odd compulsion. It’s not a compulsion that I expect for others to notice. It is something I have to do for me. Part of it, I’m sure is, essentially, giving the middle finger to everyone who counted me out previously. As unhealthy as it might be, I feel a rage for people who tell me that couldn’t expect to work or finish college. I get irritated with people the idea that people expect less from me just because of what I “have” or what I’ve been through. Now, I don’t generally have to worry about people like this in my life too much anymore. It’s about proving the idea wrong for myself.

Now, the rest of my reasoning is a little more peculiar. I don’t, in fact, have as much will to live as others, but if I’m going to live, then I’m going to do it on my own terms. I have one life, and I might as well try to use it to accomplish achieving a normal life, until I run out of time.

If a person is going to have a compulsion, being resilient, is probably a healthier one to have. At the same time, I worry that I don’t when to give up, especially, considering I’ve been hitting a rough patch lately. Oh well, off to pull up on those bootstraps.

My General Paranoia

As part of my Schizophrenia, I tend to have paranoia even when my mood is stable. Although, my mood certainly don’t help.I have found that this has been easier to handle as the years have gone by, but then again, I have had more time to deal with these issues. However, not only am I suffering from mood symptoms, at the present time, I just moved from a house to apartment. This is becoming a problem, even though I, clearly, have insight.

I am always worried about robbers and police coming to my homes. I often will hear knocks at the door, yelling, people walking around, etc. even when I am home alone. This is, even in a house. Well now, I am in an apartment again. It’s harder to reality test, when there are other tenants who are actually making real audible noises. Plus, now I am terrified of the ups/fedex guys actually being the office handing us eviction notices, even though I never lease violate.

Long story short, this going to be quite the adjustment. I might have to pay for a home security setup just to feel comfortable. I know my mental health team might see this as “giving in to irrationality,” but it makes me feel safe. I don’t need the added stress at this point.